A Watched Phone Never Vibrates…

I will not text you! I will not text you!

The less than carming mantra I repeated over an over again today in a desperate bid to prevent my thumbs from developing a mind of their own and texting that forbidden one!

The forbidden one! Trust me to turn my life into a poorly scripted BBC drama! The logic in my head suggests the less I acknowledge him by name the more fictional he will become, like a bad dream or terrible romance novel! Then I remember it’s not my head that hurts, yet there doesn’t seem to be a successful trick to fool the heart…

I don’t want my days be such a struggle anymore! Don’t get me wrong, considering the short period of time I have had to readjust to my new and unimproved life I really do feel a congratulations is due. The fake smile has firmly rooted itself upon my made up face, the eyes may even light up from time to time! To the outside world I really am that incredibly strong character who rolls with the punches, I forget they’re not here to witness the tears…

… This is why I’m angry! I had no idea we were on this page! I’ve been twelve chapters back in Never Never land drinking tea with Tinkerbell! I haven’t had the time to prepare myself for such a drastic lifestyle change, every aspect of my daily routine has been overturned… No lunchtime telephone call, no morning and night text message, no Tuesday cuddles in front of TV he hates with a takeaway! He has clearly been preparing himself for this change for months while I naively sat on the side-lines enjoying the rare opportunity for stability in my life!

Why am I practically sitting on my hands in a bid to control myself whilst he goes about business as if I never existed? Why is there not a gaping whole missing from his life too? When did I become so unimportant my presence made little to no impact on his day to day life?

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