Just Give Me A Reason…
Just a little bit’s enough, Just a second we’re not broken just bent, And we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars, It’s been written in the scars on our hearts, We’re not broken just bent, And we can learn to love again.
“What did I do so wrong?”
The continuous heart wrenching question forever spiralling through my distorted mind.
So you cheated and lied, and still you lie about lying… Because if the truth was that this whole unexplainable mess was the fictional makings of a deluded psychopath you wouldn’t have decided that all of a sudden I wasn’t what you wanted, that the life I thought we’d planned together was no longer the future you had mapped out for yourself… Or at least not with me.
I honestly think you remain in denial, when it comes down to the truth you can’t accept the person you turned into, the monster you became, so you’ll pretend. You’ll pretend that my supposedly irrational behaviour is the reason we’re no longer together, that this was another argument caused by my jealous and mistrusting character, when in reality it turned out there was a just cause for my paranoia and insecurity after all…
What hurts the most is you could do this, that I meant so little to you after everything we’ve been through. If you didn’t want me anymore, if I wasn’t enough then why could you not just admit it to the both of us? Did I really need to be humiliated, did I really deserve to be treated like this? Like a stranger?
When someone you love deceives you, when they leave without a second thought, regardless of the circumstances, irrespective of how many times they unconvincingly mutter “it’s not your fault” you can’t help but replay every second of the past and wonder what you could have done to save the thing most precious to you.
I guess when the day is done and everything is laid out in black and while it all balls down to the heart. If someone stops being in love with you, wakes up one morning and realises they’re trapped in an emotionless prison, there is nothing you can do! There is no turning back the clock or making them realise. There’s tears and tantrums, an endless amount of unanswered questions but the facts remain… He doesn’t love me, he lied and he left like a coward in a midst of excuses.
But then there’s the lies… The seemingly continuous web of lies! How have you been living like this? With months and months worth of deceit to hide? It never was just a one night stand, you were more than likely cheating on me with her the first time round… Ironically it’s nearly a year to the day you ended it with your unexplained actions and indecisive behaviour… Have I really been second best for an entire year? Has every word you uttered in the past 12 months been a lie? Let’s not forget the little things like the texts, the birthday cards and excused whereabouts! The time your phone directed your whereabouts to her house, the night you were supposedly at work! Not to mention the Facebook messages before she even came along… How many times did I just accept the truth for a quiet life, how blinded by love was I?
I never really knew you! That’s the worst part of this Happy Never After fairy-tale, you have never been the person I thought I loved, you were never that man! You have lied and cheated for months and months and I have sat in a love coloured haze of ignorance. I’d play to your conscience but its clear you never had one! Losing you isn’t what hurts anymore because it seems I never had you, giving up myself is what I regret… The life I had before you was far from perfect but at least I was no man’s puppet.