Sometimes what’s on the outside counts
I cant help but feel my boyfriend’s ashamed to acknowledge me as his partner in front of the rest of the world, his friends and family’s opinions may not mean much to him, but to me his denial’s slowly eating away at my own self worth. The smallest things have me doubting my own value, questioning my own appearance… Every argument seems to lead back to the same confidence killing question “Am I not pretty enough for you? Sexy enough even?”
I used to look in the mirror with pride, my own vanity causing the smallest unavoidable smirk of self-appreciation after applying my daily ‘war paint’ and 5″ heals. Now it seems no amount of make-up will last long enough, no heals make me tall enough, hair product make me glam enough nor outfit shape my figure so I’m skinny enough. Question is who do I think I’m not enough for? Me or him?
What’s changed so dramatically that some days I can’t even bear to look in the mirror? That even on a good day I see nothing more than an average looking female no one would take a second glance at in the street.
Maybe it’s the cause of being settled in one relationship, the reduction of male attention and coinciding confidence boosting compliments can leave a woman wondering where it all went wrong, throw in your overly private partner and it’s not difficult to identify the incriminating culprits. By no means would I swap what I have for the single life, but a complacent man and disbanding band of merry followers leaves me with little reassurance my deflated ego is caused by nothing but my own self-conscious thoughts in my disheartened, vision obscuring head.
My lack of confidence and his lack of vocal relationship broadcasting cause me to continuously wonder whether the true reasons behind his non-committal PDA’s are to mask his relationship status from the world? Call me crazy, and he does regularly, but it seems the reasons behind the majority of my relationship questioning theories stem from my own insecurity and jealousy. Am I striving for his idea of perfection or my own? Whose matters more? And to who? Maybe he is more than content with the figure and face he wakes up next to not nearly enough, it could be my own self doubt causing me believe he wants, needs and deserves better!
Until I learn to love myself again can I truly believe someone else does? Can I convince myself I am more than enough for a man who to me deserves the best?