“I think I wanna marry you!”
The happier you are the harder the fall, the scarier the thought…
I nearly lost it all, one stupid, thoughtless, selfish mistake surrounded by illogical thoughts and nostalgic emotions… I thought I’d lost it all, and I never want to feel such emptiness or despair again.
There’s a lot that has happened in the short period of time I’ve refrained from posting. The break-up didn’t last long, the make-up was nowhere near smooth and the choices I made without thinking still scare me. There are very few decisions I make without personal justification, more often than not the logic lies only with myself but a decision made with thought in the present cannot be regretted in the future, consequently there are very few happenings in my life I will shy away from discussing on here.
I cannot, nor will not even attempt to justify my decisions and actions during the time I spent on my own, I don’t want to relive them and I have no words to describe them, I do however, appreciate how lucky I am to still have the one individual I care for and cherish most in my life, the one person who can make everything ok with a kiss and a cuddle.
It seems only when things are good and all is calm that the doubts double and my own insecurities and paranoia intensifies. Do I honestly have reason, after everything to mistrust G? Deep down are the worries and fears surrounding his monogamy real, or do I manipulate every situation in my mind to imagine the worst possible scenario? Am I the only individual out there consistently considering the worst to the point where the truth can be nothing other than the alternate reality only I have created?
When you have your world surrounding you, when you look your future in the face with a smile in the morning it’s difficult not to imagine how life would be without it, how loosing everything that’s certain would feel, leaving you with nothing but wasted dreams. I may still be young with a lot of life left to live and little direction showing me how but there is no doubt in my mind that forever with that boy will not be enough. He may not be the smartest, the tallest, the richest but his mine and he somehow stole the heart I tried to protect with drama. When someone means that much, and all previous experiences concerning genuine emotions have left a person so vulnerable, exposed and insecure is it unusual to want to protect them, to protect you both? Is it abnormal to fear losing them as one would fear loosing their life? When a life without them seems lifeless, hopeless and misguided should one treat it as a frivolous game of truth or dare?
I’m still learning, growing, forgiving… Contemplating. I still have a lot left to do and see but slowing a future is being drawn as a result of my actions now. Mere rough sketches, some images still too blurry to define but none the less the hopes, expectations and aspirations of an adult life are forming along with me.