If you don’t love me let me go

A lot of my posts on here since meeting Gavin have been about our relationship and the past 18 months it spanned, those 18 months contained a lot to talk about, enough drama to entertain an audience better than Eastenders and some severe highs and lows. That chapter seems to be uncontrollably coming to an end, sometimes two people destroy what was there in an attempt to save the very thing deserting them, sometimes I guess love is no longer enough.

The only stable thing in my 2012 had been my feelings for him, and although they aren’t going to disappear over night they are going to have to be suppressed. Without him they become redundant, unimportant to everybody but me and my broken heart. I have no idea what I’m going to do next, in 6 weeks I’ve lost my job, my trust in the person central to my universe, the love of my life and the will to wake up with a smile. But there is nothing left to lose, nothing worth protecting, nothing left but the tears forever falling from my tired eyes! 

Whether he was faithful or I was just crazy, regardless if he really loved me or if he’ll even miss me let alone regret this decision doesn’t disregard the past year and a half together, and as I write this, mascara smudging down my face I want him to remember the good times, the reason we tried so hard, why I still don’t want to admit defeat. I didn’t realise I made him that miserable, that being with me in the end was so hard, despite everything I will never stop protesting being together despite everything was the only good left in my life, that he never failed to make me smile.

I’ll miss the closeness the most, he was my best friend, the person I’d speak to about anything and everything. I’ve never felt as comfortable around someone as him, never enjoyed being me more than when he had his arms around me. The cuddles, the random deformed cuddles. Knowing I’m not going to see his face makes me miss it even more, to me he was perfect in every way. I said I love you as much as he said he was sorry, maybe we both just needed to act out the things we were saying. This is the most painful experience I’ve ever endured, I wish I didn’t feel, that I could just get on with it all… But I can’t, not for a while yet I doubt! 

Within the past 24 hours I’ve just longed to hear the one sentence to make it all ok, that we can really try… that he can’t live without me. In my mind if he loved me how I loved him he wouldn’t want to lead a life without me in it. Maybe his being realistic, his right how many one last time’s can there be? Neither of us is willing to bend without breaking… I can’t believe the things he says, trust the tales his telling without some reassurance and he can’t prove he loves me more than himself. I gave him 48 hours, I suppose in reality I just wanted another two days clinging to the hope I really don’t have to start all over again… I have no idea who I am anymore on my own! That 48 hours is soon approaching and so if the realisation that this is goodbye, that the future I was worried about saving was lost a long time ago.

In the end the only person you can truly believe when they say they’ll never leave is yourself. Time is the greatest healer and I’m sure this won’t be the last heartache I endure. I suppose what I’m really trying to say is this is now Day 1 in the diary of a broken-hearted singleton with no expectations of life anymore. Anything could happen, nothing probably will and the glass at the moment is far lessthan half empty.