It’s been a while

There comes a time in every relationship where the integrity and trustability of someone is questioned. From minor insecurities mixed with paranoia to cold hard evidence, some would argue that once broken, the initial bond between partners held together by the perception of trust can never be restored. When that day comes do your cross your fingers, close your eyes and pray that whatever slip of commitment was a one-off mistake or do you Usain Bolt it for the door?
I stayed… I forgave considering the circumstances and decided we were worth the struggle. Consequently I’m in a relationship where I question who my partner is texting every time he leaves the room or why he can’t be without his phone for more than 30 seconds without malfunctioning like a broken robot. I’m in a relationship where I’m petrified of him going to work in fear he’ll find another Malibu Hoodrat to attract, one where I still question the extent of his betrayal wondering what I failed to uncover during my CSI investigations! Perhaps the most harrowing thought regarding our just about surviving relationship is that it will inevitably fail, before long it won’t just be our relationship, they’ll be the relationship he’ll have with the mother of his unborn child and said spawn upon arrival. One that will take priority and burst the isolated bubble we’ve placed ourselves in, even now there’s the fear of what relationship they already have established!
Somewhere along the line I lost perspective of my own life! I’m 20 years old and contemplating how I’m going to survive when it turns out I won’t be spending the rest of my life with this man! I’ve been around merely two decades and I’m worried he won’t love our first child as he should because he’ll already have his own with some bottled blonde bar skank! I’m so ridiculously young yet I’ve forgotten how to enjoy my youth! My relationship has turned me into an insecure, paranoid, borderline insane, nagging bitch of a woman and I wonder why his off lining up the next notch on his bed post!  When the hell did life get so depressingly f*cking serious?!
Occasionally you have to look objectively at the things you have in life, sometimes you need to appreciate what they give you now instead of worrying about what they’ll fail to give you in the future!  I love Gavin more than words can describe, I love him so much I’m terrified of what he has the ability of doing to me emotionally, but at present I still have him to myself (I hope)! If his going to cheat on me there’s little I can do to prevent it other than end it now or install a top-secret Big Brother Secret Agent spying device on him at all times to catch him in the act. If we break up in 3 weeks, months or years surely it’s best to enjoy the time we’ve had together, actually enjoy being young and in love!?
Sometimes  we get to a point in life where its necessary to just step back and say I’m too tired for all this! I’m too tired of worrying about the secrets and the lies, of the other girls, of the past, present and future. If you love me like you say you love me we’ll get through this and I’ll trust you again, if you don’t I’ll find out and cut your cock off ;-)! Eventually playing the victim isn’t enough to justify our own behaviour, our decisions are our responsibilities regardless of the situation. Sometimes we need to appreciate what’s left and take a little god damn control back before we destroy everything ourselves- after all whatever will be, will be!