He Just Renting
I’ve written several drafts of blogs lately, several confused depictions of decisions, decisions that change before I can even hit publish! 5 minutes ago I had 278 words scripted in front of me declaring a conclusion to all of the problems I continue to create for myself, 4 paragraphs pronouncing my determination to take control, to endure 100 days of cold turkey to cure this irrational addiction.
And then I changed my mind, and I couldn’t help but think, but wonder what a little perseverance and patience could create.
I don’t know my next move, I currently lack the energy to think straight, the logic to form a clear route to undertake, even the ability to sustain anger, so until I can conclude a pure state of mind I’m going to continue to plod along, emotionless in life; slowly sinking until I have no choice but to pull myself up and out of the shallow grave I’ve chosen to reside in.
The answer to all of my predicaments isn’t him, it’s me; and until I find those answers no blame, jealously nor regret will permanently erase this negative state of mind I’m enduring.
“You own my heart he just renting
Don’t turn away pay attention
I’m pouring out my heart”
Seeing my route cause of pain for the previous four months may not have been such a smart idea… Deceit aside reminding myself of the past I’d been missing so desperately seemed an ingenious idea 48 hours ago, now the dazed haze of life I have been experiencing since seems to contradict the smile that positioned itself upon my lips, the life revived in my eyes not so long ago.
My tactical approach to life for now is to steer as clear as I can allow myself without causing any addition anguish, to enjoy the people and things I do still have around me rather than focus on those I have los00000 2t. Hopefully he will continue to gloat in his own successful control of power for a short period of time while I rebuild those barriers, 100 days may not be the right move for me right now but the longer period of time I can go alone, the stronger I’ll become as an individual and less reliant I’ll be on someone who is no longer there as a support mechanism.
Ohhh and while I’m at it can I stop fucking spontaneously crying please!!!!