The strongest emotions cannot be justified by logical thinking
Why do we find it so difficult look at life objectively? How many times can we consume ourselves in our own selfish, unreasonable behaviour, behaviour we struggle to explain ourselves? At what point does the bigger picture become more important?
The rationalisation of love and hate can run parallel, two states of emotion that on paper define themselves as extreme opposites. In reality one can easily be used to mask the other, hurt and rejection can effortlessly form a seemingly logical reason for hatred.
Personally I don’t think it’s possible to truly hate someone you’ve previously loved, you can despise the consequences of their actions, the negative effects they undoubtedly left on your life, bear grudges for the tears they caused; But as a person, despite whatever their actions, whatever the outcome if they once meant that much to you, if they once possessed such a special position in your life then there is no option to fall in hate.
When you lose someone, be it a friend, family or lover there’s no instant cure nor closure… No final goodbye can close a door held open; turn the present into the past overnight. No harsh words or regretful conclusion can change an outcome already decided, win a battle already conceded. There’s a long process of self-recognition and admittance involved in moving forward, life travels faster than the heart causing dreary days and sleepless nights filled with doubt and wondering, eventually it will catch up, and you will move on.
I’ve come to realise that no amount of drunken angry words or lonely sobbing pleas will change the natural process of letting go… And know I probably won’t do it the easy or right way, and every now and again that unjustifiable anger will rise, explode in meaningless and transparent words of bitter blame in a bid to defend my own pride, justify the hurt that’s yet to leave me… But I do know doing so benefits me in no way, just enhances my chance of pneumonia and a vacation to the local mental institution!
Matters of the heart can do crazy things to the mind, possibly the reason behind why I try and stay as far away from love as possible, all control deserts you and leaves you nothing but powerless and vulnerable the sole liberation destroyer. My naivety allowed me to think I had the ability to prevent myself from falling, that my capability to feel had deserted me long ago… Despite the circumstances it’s kind of a relief to know I’m still capable of such emotions, they’re just waiting for the right person to come along.