When will you become just another f***ing ex?!

One lie, leaves a thousand unanswered questions.
One sentence, a dozen doubts follow

Why is love only associated with loss? Where is the justice in all of this? The fairness…
When did you become soulless? When did I become so vulnerable? Where did my battle proof defence go?

If I have learnt anything from this it’s that I don’t believe in love. I can’t imagine having to ever face the idea of someone not wanting me again, of someone finding me so unlovable, I don’t want to have to wonder what makes me such a bad person, so intolerable, unattractive that not even a shred of remorse, of emotion or regret is offered as consolation for the pain caused.

Why do I find it so difficult to realise you don’t care about me? When am I going to start healing?
When will I stop crying?

Was it all a lie? Did you cheat as well as deceive me with words? Was everything as fake as the time you sat there, looked into my eyes and told me they changed shades? Were we never happy? I no longer remember…

I don’t know what I expect… A little acknowledgement that the day you turned my world upside down, the day you felt it necessary to turn me into this blubbering mess of misery actually meant something. How do you obtain closure on something you’re continuously hoping isn’t over? When will I start believing the truths I tell myself?

There never was going to be a happy ever after, there was going to be an us. You lied when I defended you, I believed you loved me… You allow me to tell myself I destroyed our chance of happiness when honestly we never had a hope in hell.

All I asked for was the truth; All I want is for the anger and hurt to go away so I can move on as you have. Maybe this is karma, but my understanding is that the universe dishes out karma accordingly, not a lying, unforgiving and selfish ex with no regard for others.

I cannot help but wish ill upon you, after all from your evident lack of emotion you wouldn’t blink at the idea of me no longer being here. I look at the past 5 months in disbelief it has led to this,that I believed you refused to come round my house because of my past relationships… God knows who you had in your bed behind my back! Im starting to wonder who you had in my bed for Christ sake!

You’re confused if you think you’ll find someone who can love you as much as I did, even as much as I still do. You’re equally deluded if you think you can do better.
I’ll wave to you from top when you’re still struggling down at the bottom; you chose not to be in my life… All you.

You decided I was worthless, you decided I didn’t deserve you.