That empty feeling…
You have to be willing to sacrifice the relationship you’re in with yourself before you can consider entering one with another person.
That is why me and G won’t work, now under no circumstances have I disillusioned myself into believing I have reformed and would now make the idealistic partner, but I’m trying… I make sacrifices and I go out of my way in an attempt to prevent the entire relationship from falling off the rails. And then I realised, he is too involved with himself to ever consider anything other than his own needs and comforts as a priority, he doesn’t want to know or even really care about what I’m experiencing because no doubt that would infiltrate his little life and upset the delicate balance of doing what he wants to do.
That moment when you look at someone, when you realise what you really want is no longer possible, the blank emotionless stare that follows as you process the emotion you’ve just encountered. I don’t know what to do anymore, but I do know I can no longer continue feeling this unimportant to someone who means everything to me, I can’t continue to fit into their lifestyle like I have only one purpose. I am not one to be used for convenience, ord knows it makes little sense considering how high maintainance I can be at times but right now its as if I have just slotted into an existing reality, one where I’m not treated like an individual with thoughts and feelings.
So what next? Realistically I have nothing left, nothing to look forward too… I’m stuck in a commitmentless relationship which has settled to his own personal needs… When he wants a cuddle he’ll get one, when he wants sex there you go… The smallest things can all add and right now their multiplying causing damage to my own self-esteem.