What is a life with no direction? Who is a person without a plan? If hopes and dreams are misplaced is there even a reason for waking up every cold and grey morning? If faith in the future has been diminished how can we strive to succeed in the present?

Lost in life at 20 years of age…

I feel like the decisions I have already made and paths I previously deterred from have left me with little faith that I will ever reach a better place in my life. Sometimes it is not failure that can destroy a person’s aspirations but the lack of success achieved. Once upon a time I believed all future possibilities were endless, the idea that my life could just consist of financial struggles and emotional battles for a substantial period of time never occurred to me. Now I can’t imagine anything otherwise, now I feel like all I have to look forward to in years to come is the knowledge that at least my life will be consistently disappointing…

I’m struggling to source anything in my life that could lead to any form of stability or happiness in my future. My job is being moved to Bournemouth sending me stumbling down the pecking order into an unknown position of misery more than likely, I’ve applied for alternative positions outside of Nationwide but even if I sound good enough on paper when they realise that in person I’m far less appealing the chances of securing anything that could be considered a fresh start is unlikely. I’m back seeing G, a relationship (well not officially but that seems irrelevant…) that will undoubtably fail yet again, the longer it continues the more emotionally demanding I get, eventually even he will tire of my hormonal dips, unstable characteristics and jealous insecurities, I’m convinced he only sticks around now because he can’t face the hastle of doing otherwise. The worse I seem to perceive my life the more I begin to hate myself, once upon a time I’m sure I used to be pretty, surely I haven’t changed so much in less than 18 months but whenever I look in the mirror no amount of fake tan nor make-up can hide a tired, pastey and slightly rounded individual staring back, realistically plain Jane is never going to boost anyone’s spirits. The list of reasons why facing each day with a smile seems almost invisible in comparison to the one which suggests otherwise, if there was a light at the end of the tunnel then maybe I could focus on reaching said destination, just a sign that at some point things are going to get better would at least temporarily resolve life’s dissatisfaction. Right now all I have is a list of things in my life that are eventually going to disappear and leave me with nothing… And considering I don’t have very much to start with, is it so much to ask for the smallest of breaks once in a while, bad luck has to run out at some point doesn’t it?

I’m just a little bit tired of crying over my own self-pity but I seem to have fallen into a bottomless pit of despair I have no idea how to emerge out of. I don’t want to feel like this every time I’m left alone, I don’t want to commit my life to a job that doesn’t deserve it so I don’t have to face reality, so I feel important to something at least…Maybe this is just one of my ‘down’ times, maybe I expect too much from life, maybe I’m just scared of losing the very few things I do have to smile about… Or maybe my superficiality goes beyond my love of money and I’m just extremely fed up of being invisible in poor persons shoes? I’m a firm believer that money can buy you happiness afterall!  

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