What a mess

You know that look… the one most girls long to see. The look you catch an unsuspecting male giving you that speaks a thousand words, the one that suggests in his eyes your perfect, that you making him incredibly happy, you’re the sole cause to that wide spread grin plastered across his face…

I guess I’m not a huge fan of that look, that look exerts pressure and insinuates your actions no longer only affect yourself. I haven’t blogged for a while, partially because 10 hour shifts have slowly been destroying my will to live but also because my mind seems to be in such a constant state of confusion and the ability to complete a coherent sentence in a poor attempt to describe my feelings is becoming seemingly impossible. I’m not sure when my life became about more than just that one person, the individual I was planning a future with, I guess the prospect of starting a fresh with someone who remains unaware to my past behaviours, whose heart I haven’t previously stomped so violently upon gave me hope, the attention from someone who actually appreciates me for both what’s on the outside as well as the inside is unusual, it was a nice change from constantly having to fight to feel appreciated and remotely liked.

It was a nice idea until it became reality. I’m not ready to commit to anyone let alone a stranger, it seems I’m becoming a constant war zone for the innocent… I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to hurt people… Maybe the likes of CB, the arrogant and emotionlesare the type of people I deserve to be with, ironically I feel I’m only content when I’m being victimised, when others are hurting me… It seems unless I am being used or hurt I can’t help but do the same to others unintentially.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do, I do however know that no one else seems to compare, maybe I’m still attempting to run away from my feelings, maybe the insinuation of possible rejection is forcing me to move forward with my life… Or maybe I am just a complete mess and the issues causing me to behave in such a manor are still hidden so deep I can’t even contemplate resolving them yet…

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