Looking in the mirror… only to dislike the person staring back

I am becoming very predictable, how many times can I delete the same number off of my Blackberry to only re-enter it several days later, a Facebook profile be blocked, a 500 world blog declaring all future contact will become extinct only to post a complete contradiction less than 24 hours later? The real question is how many times can I go back on the logical solution by head is screaming because I’m not willing to let my heart break?

I did have all intentions of saying the final goodbye so to speak,  I didn’t however plan on the reaction it received, see I’m not allowed to move on. Revelation of the day.. his allowed to be selfish but I’m not, his allowed to keep me there all to himself in a claustrophobic bubble until he decides im no longer required. I can’t remember how many times I protested but realistically I can’t cut someone out of my life who isn’t ready to do the same…

So back to the drawing board… And if I can’t remove him from my life to make room for someone new then I suppose I should be making the most of what little I have?

God this is so pathetic, I’m so fed up of sounding miserable- I’m even more fed up of being miserable and the fact I have no control over the entire situation is beyond infuriating, almost as aggravating as the fact I am unable to stay angry at him for more than a few hours, even when I try to assert authority I fail epically!  I can’t, however pretend a slight part of me wasn’t pleased with the protest I came up against, even if it didn’t resolve anything and my head is still jumbled with thoughts and crazy ideas whirling round! When the time is right a decision will have to be made and the consequences faced with determination… Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t, but whats another month out of the rest of my life to try to resolve the situation one way or another?

In the meantime there’s another problem I need to address, the fact that 18 days is the longest I have been without sex in… Well as long as I can remember! The last time I was officially unattached saw a rise in my own sexual activity, the conquest eased whatever previous demon I was trying to ignore, the constant attention helped me forget my own insecurities… This time round I feel, well lets just say the insecurities seem to grow as each day passes… I can go to town, get ridiculously drunk and not one single, decent looking guy under the age of 35 seems remotely interested! I can’t help but question what’s happened to me! When did I become less than average looking? I’m not obese and I’ve seen a lot worse secure their prey under the influence, if I do have to act upon this single business in the future where the hell am I going to find another man?! To make matters worse despite practically become a nun, it would appear either Gavin is sleeping with someone else, the logical explanation for explaining his lack of sexual needs, secretly gay or like every other man residing in Northampton doesn’t have any interest in having sex with me… How much more fake tan and foundation must I layer on my body, how much do I need to reduce my food intake and increase my exercise regime to look in the mirror and be happy with the reflection staring back?  I’ve never felt the need to improve my appearance for the benefit of the opposite sex until now, now I can’t help but wonder what I need to do for others to be physically attracted to me!!
God I don’t know if things could get much worse… I’m sure they could, I just can’t imagine how whilst I’m so occupied wallowing in my own self pity and disgust! Life would be so much easier if I were just someone new…
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