F#ck My Life
Men to me are security blankets, young children grow attached to seemingly meaningless objects in order to feel safe, looking back I have always attached myself to an array of men for similar reasons. When I felt vulnerable, scared or alone I chose to cling onto a current partner to remedy the turmeric emotions confronting me, and once I felt better about myself and the situation the attachment was weakened, their use was not longer needed, until the next time I desperately found myself in need of reassuring. This is the first time in what feels like an eternity I have been without any form or security blanket, I have to do all of the reassuring, I have to convince myself that in the long run everything will be ok.
For the past month I have been afraid of taking control of a situation I didn’t think I had any authority over, that my previous actions denied me the right to express how I felt and what I wanted. Maybe it’s the remnants of last night’s alcohol session but I’ve suddenly realised if a decision needs to be made which involves myself I should be allowed an opinion. Upon this sudden epiphany a ultimatem had been issued to G… We have never been just friends nor are we going to be, the feelings involved prevent the chances of such a platonic relationship and we both know it, so he either wants me in his life or he doesn’t. If he does then he needs to be prepared to act upon the slight possibility things could work out in the future… In my opinion if he can’t decide whether he wants a place in my life then he doesn’t deserve one! Mistakes have been admitted and apologies made but I can no longer live in the past with a head full or regret and heart filled with sorrow.
The lack of response seems to have answered the question for me, his inability to assert control seemingly prevents him from growing a pair and manning up to admit to both of us it is over…
Give it until tomorrow and that will be his number deleted yet again, this time it won’t be saved to my callender nor written on a piece of paper for urgent reference, as far as I’m concerned he will no longer exist. I don’t think he understands I am incapable of forgetting him at the moment, that in my head I still have us moving in together at the start of next year (yes I am aware that’s slightly crazy) but I can’t let go without it destroying me. It was never my head I needed to clear it was my life, it needs to be cleared of him if his not willing to even try to offer what I desperately want.
Admitting defeat has never been my strong point, I dislike losing at the best of times but when affairs of the heart are involved it never bodes well with the brain.
Thinking logically and moving forward I need to be in a new relationship within the next four months, I can’t afford to live the lifestyle I want and rent the type of flat I desperately want on my own, flat sharing with a friend is out of the question so I need a partner, one I can settle down with and enter maturity alongside. Back to the drawing board, 4 months may seem like a long time but when I have to fit in moving on and accepting the inevitable, mending a broken heart, going on an array of hopeless dates with complete morons until I finally meet and spend two months dating before making things official I need to move fast… It’s looking to positive considering my track record of idiotic boyfriends and the disgust I feel when any man attempts to make a pass at me..!
F*uck My Life