Looking back

It’s very rare my thoughts revert back to Ben… Ben was my partner for around 10 months between the age of 17 and 18- the only partial success story of my dating history to date, until I got bored and ran off with crazy boy Stephen in the hope he would resemble my destructive ex Zane.I was happy with Ben, but I was never in love with him, the outcome was unfortunately inevitable.
Ben was however one of the good one’s, mature for his age, incredibly calm and overly rational… He put up with a lot but like always I messed up a perfectly healthy relationship. We’ve remained distant friends and occasionally talk, there’s nothing in it, no feelings left but it’s always refreshing to hear from him, he has this ability to rationalize any situation.
It wasn’t until entering a conversation with him today I realised how much I have actually changed and matured in the past 18 months. I’m still far from perfect and need to work on interpreting my feelings and thoughts before I’ve acted irrationally and others are caught in the cross fire, I have however overcome some serious battles with myself that consumed the majority of the teenage years. This is the first time I’ve refrained from dealing with single life by abusing my body, originally the answer was always in someone else’s bed… I wouldn’t have to deal with emotional rejection or loss if I had a new conquest to focus my attentions on. This is the first time I have accepted my mistakes and feel they may actually have a long-lasting impact on my life, shape my future actions, a reminder of what went wrong to prevent similar errors of judgement. A lot has changed, I have changed, to the point where I have to question if the old me is still visible… the Danni who Ben fell in love with, even the one Gavin fell for… I don’t know if I’m still that girl, sure she had a lot more negative characteristics but she was fun, seemingly less predictable and not so consumed in the mundane running of day-to-day life. It seems having a care free attitude to life has both negative and positive attributes, there was a reason I was afraid to delve into my emotions, face the pain, and occasionally I miss hiding behind it.
It was nice to speak to someone from my past, to remember the good and bad old days… and then the tone is lowered and I realise his most probably extremely sexually frustrated as his psychotic girlfriend (I stole him from her, and they got back together a few months after we eventually broke up to my satisfaction!) is off at university. It’s almost a shame I have no interest in involving myself as the child in me would love to spite the enemy!  Even the nice guys can occasionally be complete idiots, and on that note my trip down memory lane was brought back down to earth with a bump and quickly terminated! I am not about to begin a whole new messy situation I have no desire to be in… See evolution of the character! Or maybe I’m just hung up on something else..?
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