So I’m either extremely stupid or have unknowingly stumbled upon a genius situation… I don’t think I’ve taken the time to process my new relationship status, it’s easier not to think about the past for it only reminds me of how uncertain the future has become, and we all know my adversity to uncertainty.
Despite the new-found attention intended for my recognition, apparently an updated Facebook page lures all previous contacts out the closet, my phone has never seen so much action! Before I got involved with the three main men who have obtained the best part of my previous year the majority of my closest friends were guys, I was not however naive to their motives, I knew the reason they had allowed themselves to get so close was because they either wanted to sleep with me or because at some point in time they have managed to fall into an unwanted and unrequited love affair, despite having constant contact with the outside world I can’t help feeling incredibly alone.
It is always difficult to adapt to change, when you have become accustomed to a certain persons characteristics and mannerisms, when you have created a picture of their personality based on past memories there is bound to be a certain amount of upheaval of emotions when reality takes over and your left staring into the cold eyes that were once filled with warmth. Is it possible to accept the fact someone you still have feeling’s for has moved on, feels nothing even when reenacting the past, especially after the entire reasoning and purpose for disturbing a once happy relationship has fallen apart and your left with nothing. The distance between two people may only be a matter of feet, so why does it feel like we’re in separate countries, different worlds?
Can emotions be detached from physical actions? I know the answer I’m looking for, how much easier would life be if we could fulfil our personal needs without reinforcing a relationship? Chemicals are released in a female’s body during sex that enhance emotions, heighten sensitivity, ideally we are should only experience intercourse with those we are in love with. Throw past encounters, history, feelings and regret into a situation where any cave in sentiments could cause a catastrophic result how can we expect to revert our instincts, how can we prevent the inevitable?
It isn’t the easiest feeling, dealing with the realisation I have single-handedly managed to drive all of the people who once upon did fulfil those needs away, the ones who honestly cared. The guilt of knowing I have temporarily broken each one of their heart’s sends cracks running down my own, cracks that soon turn into craters with increasing guilt and isolation. Should I experience a fear of closeness after the past, in order to protect others around me should I withdraw myself?
Without affection, a cuddle, a kiss, the security felt from the warmth of another I am left with not a lot. I am not dependant on men for many things but it seems I do need them for my own self-assurance, self-confidence. The simple act of sex alone leaves us all satisfied, but when the high withdraws itself and there is no one there to relate with is it surprising that ecstasy turns sour momentarily? To be so close to someone and minutes later so far apart, the contrast is too severe to leave a person intact.
I want to be told it’s all ok, to be told it will get better, that whatever is supposed to happen will inevitably occur. I want to feel comfortable with myself, to be needed, I want to be looked at the way I used to be looked at, squeezed tightly before I fall to sleep, I want to have the right to smile again, to laugh and enjoy my life. I don’t want a relationship, I suppose I just want the home comforts that can be associated with one to settle myself into a routine. 24 hours ago I had not been so happy in months, now I feel nothing but sorrow for the things I’ve lost, the feelings I am not on the receiving end of and the emptiness of nothing. Wow… I spend the majority of my life confused, but never to this extent… I don’t even know what I want anymore, even what I feel’s blurred in a mix of high emotional charge.
And do you know what’s disturbing my train of thought the most, the irritating piece of information passed on regarding the most insignificant bar worker who seems adamant on sticking her hideous nose in where is seems unnecessary. The worst part of being female is knowing the intentions of a fellow same-sex individual before any man is consciously aware himself. History has a habit of repeating itself, not that this has anything to do with me now… Insecurities and paranoia cannot be justified when your on your own, to ignore the familiar signs of the green-eyed monster can we simply turn a blind eye? I doubt it!..
“Experience is a brutal teacher but you learn, my God do you learn”… CS Lewis