Time flies when drama consumes your life!

My behaviour is completely unfair and out-of-order to practically everyone involved in this entire f*cked up situation!
I told my first lie today, I’m just worried about where it will end, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel the need to hide things… G asked if I still speak to my ex and I brushed it off with a nonchalant response of “not really, his seeing someone else now so his backed off considerabley”. When in fact I had been on the phone to him for the past two hours, during which conversation I made him feel bad for seeing someone new, received declarations of love, and discussed JLS… WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??
Why am I doing this? What am I looking to achieve from it all? If mystic Meg were here she wouldn’t even have to look into her crystal ball to know it will all end in tears if I continue to play the game I appear to have enrolled in. So someone explain why I am behaving in such a way? Everyday I log onto here and express my thoughts and opinions about the same situation, events occurr and perspectives change but the theme remains the same, and in each post I ask a ridiculous amount of rhetorical questions, ones that deep down I already know answer to, but cannot seem to write in statement form. Why do I do this, because my head is as blurred, if not more so than it was on Thursday, guilt is trickling in- I haven’t physically done anything wrong but the thought of having any form of emotional attachment to anyone but my own boyfriend brings thoughts of fear and disruption to mind!  And I’m starting to dislike the crazy mood swings attached to the entire scenario.
I’m seeing Gavin tomorrow, this may sound bad from a relationship point of view but I’m hoping seeing him in person will refresh my feelings and clarify my thoughts. I need to take some time out and re-group, and I need to do this with my baba!  I do miss him, the past four days feel like an eternity considering everything that seems to have occurred! I can’t believe it’s only been a week since my birthday- It feels like an entire year to be honest, time flies when drama consumes your life! Dislike!