Three of hearts

One little lie, that’s all it was less than 24 hours ago and it put my entire relationship with Gavin in jeopardy. I’m still slightly unsure of how he knew there was something going on between me and M, I could just possibly be that transparent, after all I have never been able to deceive face to face, yet the information he had has led me to my own suspicions of the source of such detail! Hmmm 
I’ve never been the most honest person and for as long as I can remember my life has consistently been filled with little white lies in order to achieve an easy way of living- I enjoy confrontation but only when I know I have an argument to win with. I dislike telling people what I know they don’t wish to hear so twist the truth to cater for their own benefit. This can get me into  a lot of trouble, there is a fine line between manipulating the truth and bare face lieing… One that is so easily crossed as you become tangled in your own web of deception. I didn’t want to tell Gavin me and M had been talking, and the relationship between us had escalated to phone conversations late at night because I knew it would cause uneasiness and suspicion between us both, I didn’t want to have to admit to remaining unfinished business because no one wants to hear that from their partner. It’s not like I maliciously lied to gain from the fabricated tale, I was trying to protect us both, but instead dented the already fragile element of trust we have.
One thing this experience has led to me realize is that I can’t lose the relationship me and G have, therefore I need to distance myself and, restrict the closeness between me and Matt. I’m still unable to precisely pin point the cause of this sudden eruption of confusion and emotion but I do know it is something that needs to be stopped. Three is a crowd in any situation, specifically this one- so I must eliminate the odd one out! Seeing M everyday at work makes things ten times more difficult, the feelings I once contained for S were several times stronger than these appear to be yet I barely give him a second thought anymore… If he were to commit himself to a relationship the shock may disturb my thoughts for a couple of days, yet because the issue wouldn’t be continuously rubbed in my face life would return to normality pretty soon! There will always remain an attachment between me and the ex’s that held a special place in my heart… but there’s a difference between an attachment caused by past emotion to one caused by present feelings.

There isn’t an immediate remedy for this predicament… Feelings do not come or go over night, they increase or decrease over time. There was no decision I ever had to make, I have never doubted my own relationship- maybe the intensity of my feelings but not who I wanted to be with. It’s time to eliminate the Jack and keep the King closer to my heart, however difficult it may be to begin with the reward will be much greater. 

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