Case of the ex
So I have this one photograph, one image that sums up a year and half plus of my life. I must have been just 16 when it was taken, and him maybe 19- That one picture holds what feels like a lifetime of memories and this very point of my life is probably not the most ideal to reflect on them.
But there it is, and I’m currently playing the one song that will always remind me of him.
It’s not that I miss Z, he was and most probably still isn’t a great person, hell his not even nearing a remotely good person- 2 kids, a crazy on/off ex, time inside, serious drug habit, no prospects of achieving anything in this lifetime and a criminal record longer than the list of my qualifications. So I sit here teary eyed, and I struggle to understand why, if there are any feelings left then they aren’t strong enough to confront my conscious thoughts as I’m unable to establish the connection.
Then again Z will always unfortunately be a part of my memories, I share a bond with him like no other ordinary ex of my past… I carried his child for a little over two months after all, the baby I killed will always link me to him, that’s something I can never forget and ergo he consequently remains unforgettable to me. I thought I was in love with him, I thought not too long ago that I will always love him deep down… I don’t know now if it ever was love, and if it was, it hurt too much to accept that’s the feeling we’re all supposedly searching for.
I have never since been as unhappy as I was during the year or so we were constantly, well I was constantly, trying to make it work. I was his puppet, all I wanted was to please him regardless of the sacrifice, all he wanted was me there in between his lying and cheating. The day after I aborted his baby, the one he said ‘if I had I’d be a single mother’ about, he had a court appearance, two days after I didn’t hear from him for a week- had he gone inside? No he was just off enjoying his new sense of freedom, I didn’t deserve a second thought apparently!
This is the boy I blame for destroying me, this is also the boy I thank for making me stronger. He took away my confidence, personality and independence leaving me with no choice to rebuild and improve my former self. I rarely give him a second thought these days, me and him are just memories I like to lock away in that box at the back of mind where bad things stay. I will never be able to rewind and take back the all those times I felt worthless, but if Z wasn’t the one to ‘break my heart’ it would have been someone else… I just wish it wasn’t so brutal at such a young impressionable age!
But shit happens and life goes on, I’m still here, fighting each day as it comes… One thing I would like to know though, is whether the issues I have with myself and relationships now stem from the one I had with him, or if I would have been this fucked up regardless?! I guess I’ll never know… </3