Sunday morning blues
So last night was an average night out, my feet hurt way too much, my alcohol levels were no where near high enough for my liking and I’m pretty sure my Mother got laid and I didn’t! Yes, that awkward moment when she leaves the group at half 11 to go back to hers because she has ‘company’ coming round, she only went upstairs to go to the bloody toilet, 10 minutes later she’s going for good!
However when I got back from town my semi-drunken self was pondering the term closure… I’ll never forget the episode of friends where Rachel leaves Ross the answer phone message no-one wants to be responsible for! But what is ‘closure’, some people think that an action, or a conversation can achieve this state of mind. I personally don’t think closure of a relationship is something that can be forced or planned, I think it happens in time, sneaks up on you until one day you realize ‘you know what, I don’t actually care anymore’. You can close a situation down, but you can’t just shut a feeling off.
I find feeling’s hard to understand, they’re not logical- half the time I’ve had feeling’s for people I know are no good for me… Yet I couldn’t control how I felt. Where do these illogical emotions come from? Because if it’s the head then I think I should get mine tested. I was in ‘love’ with Z for 2 years, he stole 2 years of my youth because I could never achieve this so-called state of closure… Even this time 6 months ago he was still lurking around, coming back ever so often to reconfirm his existence in my mind. And do I have closure now? I think so, but it’s simply because I outgrew his manipulation… consistent lies, drug abuse, signing on, prison visits and socializing with individuals who have no prospects nor ambitions does nothing for me anymore- not that I was a huge fan beforehand, but I tolerated their way of living because that’s who Z was! I can’t help but look down my nose at their lifestyle now, how can you not when you know you’re better than them?
I guess the reason I was thinking about all this at 4 on a Sunday morning was because me and S officially finished. And it cut me up, more than I expected it to, I know he doesn’t understand my reasoning for ending things just when they had the chance to be good, and that’s probably because they make no sense. Thing is I know I’m not ready to settle down yet, I’ve tried it and failed a couple of times (right now I’m trying to force myself into believing i can stick with G, but to be honest I’m waiting on the backlash any day). I don’t want to be with S for a month or two, fuck it up like I inevitably will and ruin any chance we had because I’m not mature enough to deal with how I feel. My mum says me and S are meant to be together, and part of me believes that to be true… And well if it is then we will be, if not then I’ve saved us all a lot of hard work and hassle. Just wish it didn’t have to hurt so much ♥