Lets talk about sex…

Stereotypically men have always been the gender with an unjustifiable active sex drive, there is no denying that women in relationships are regularly portrayed as ‘cock blocks’ for their own partners. “I’ve got a headache” or “I’m too tired” are common phrases associated with the cold shoulder men receive before rolling over to embark on an action-less night’s sleep.

I can admit that even for an independent 21^st century woman my sex drive can be higher than most, something that’s never caused me any issues in the past… Granted the majority of my serious relationships have stemmed from casual arrangements where sex was mutually appreciated and craved from the start, but regardless of how bad the stability of my associations where the sex remained a strong contender as to why they remained.

Maybe I’m used to guys just wanting me for their own benefits, until now I can’t remember being with anyone who actually enjoyed cuddles under the cover, kisses and crap TV three times a week, but I find it strange that sex seems so low down on this list of priorities when its such a necessity to me! It’s understandable that after a lengthy period of time as a couple it gets harder to keep the spark alive, but six weeks and no official status… where’s the nymphomania when you need it?

And of course this issue then joins forces with all of those evil, over-common concerns we as females have when we start to question whether we fulfil our man’s needs… Does he have needs, does he actually find me attractive or is there someone else out there doing my job for me?

I’m a strong believer that a healthy sex life is extremely important between two people intimately involved. And how can I consider a future with someone who makes me question myself? Like I need any additional insecurity’s to add to the list… Erghhhh if only I knew there was a good f*ck lying right around the corner to sort my head out, instead I just foresee a ridiculously awkward conversation!

 

I really hope you don’t ever see this…

It’s difficult to comprehend that an entire year has passed… 365 days ago I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.

A year ago tomorrow possibly changed by life for ever, it led to something truly special, and eventually I learnt that I still have the ability to fall in love, maybe it was a lesson that came a little too late but the message seams fundamental either way. 3 years ago I thought it was impossible to survive with a broken heart, time and growth proved me wrong and hardened me to the reality of relationships, possibly a little too much, three months ago I found myself thinking the same, and although its difficult I know that eventually thoughts of you will bring back only happy memories not painful tears.

I didn’t think I believed in love, to me it seemed unexplainable and illogical- but it is unexplainable, and probably illogical too when you consider the circumstances. I cannot put into words the feelings that lie within me for you. But I’m not sad anymore, I cry unwillingly but not in sorrow. Everything happens for a reason, you came into my life for a reason and I will never take for granted the lessons I have learnt at our expense. Between the two of us we managed to destroy something that at some point meant the world to each of us individually, but we did it because we didn’t know how to do anything else.

I was angry that you broke the endless cycle of our relationship, I was hurt you gave up the fight but I know it was for the best. I have the opportunity to start a fresh with someone else, someone who hasn’t seen the bad in me, who hasn’t experienced every negative trait I possess and although the thought of embarking on a journey with someone that isn’t you is unsettling and unexpected I hope one day I will feel for him what I felt for you. I want to fall in love with someone before they fall out of love with me.

Feelings remain inside us for a long time, for something invisible to all senses they are extremely stubborn and irremovable… I know I’m not going to wake up and everything will be ok, and Im mature enough now to accept that. There’s still a lot I need to learn, and there are most probably still some devastating mistakes I need to make but you have taught me a lot, and I don’t want losing you to be in vain.

You’re unsure to what extent you still love me because you are no longer in love with me, as painful as it is to admit it I think you fell out of love with me long time ago. No matter what, I meant it when I said I would be here for you if you ever needed it no matter how hard, and I know that one day we can have a platonic relationship and remain in each others life like we once expected… Just not right now and not how I once hoped.

A year ago neither of us would have dreamt we would be together now, and we were right not too… I guess the bit in the middle was just a little unexpected! I wish you all the best in life and I still miss you’re face so much. I guess I just want to say I don’t regret a minute I spent with you, and although now if I could re-write the ending I would, I’m ok with admitting it just wasn’t meant to be… I’m ok.

Angry Birds…

I’m angry you don’t still love me… Or evidently never did.

I’m angry you’ve dragged me back into you’re even more fucked up little world of failure with no real regard as to what it would do to my own.

I’m angry that I’m uncontrollably losing focus on the people I should be looking forward with because you do nothing but drag me backwards.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SPINELESS LITTLE MAN…
Go and ruin someone else’s life… Something you’re good at!

I’m even more pissed off I don’t really hate you and I’m not even that angry yet.